call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dignity is for republicans.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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