So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
