I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
