he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
