this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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