i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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