If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
