Having a random hookup so left but love u
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
