yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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