I wish my penis had an off switch
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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