omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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