i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
