how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
