Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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