I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
