You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
