Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
