All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
