someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
