I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
