It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
sarcasm needs its own font
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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