What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize