what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
