also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
