i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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