Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
