So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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