Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
