I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
