Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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