i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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