dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
