I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
