My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
