Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize