There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
