Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
