look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I supernannyed him into submission
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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