Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I want is dick and wine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
