my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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