I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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