apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
