it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
