Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
