i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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