rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
