wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
