Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
