omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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