i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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