Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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