Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
