Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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