But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize