Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
