i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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