Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i drank out of a bidet.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
