there's paper in my vomit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
