just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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