I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have demons in me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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