btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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