So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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