my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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