Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
