I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
