Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
