do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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