i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
