3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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