I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
